10 Best
10.08.2012, Words by Ruth Saxelby

Dogs doing lists #30: Feats of Olympic Adventure

  1. Dogs stripping nude with labored enthusiasm before a crowd assembled in Hyde Park, proclaiming, “There’s a guy called Mitt Romney who wants to know whether we are ready!”
  2. Dogs touching the Olympic Torch to a pile of tightly stacked bodies as somewhere the members of the Beijing Olympic Organizing Committee are filled with feelings of longing and regret.
  3. Dogs delighting you with the pleasant spectacle of A Green and Pleasant Land: swooping down the Thames past ancient estates and shires under bright, blue skies and on into London while popular songs from decades of yore fill your living room, then zooming around Big Ben and spinning upward into the sky for a satellite’s view of the East End before plunging down just as quickly into a thoroughly befouled toilet, the music now distant and muffled, and swimming through the muck in search of an opium suppository.
  4. Dogs standing at rapt attention as Queen Elizabeth II coughs twice into a microphone, hums the opening bars of “London Calling,” and murmurs, eyes spinning wildly, “BARMY, BARMY, BARMY.”
  5. Dogs applauding wildly as the Earth drops out of its orbit and smashes up against the face of Jupiter, exclaiming in adulation, “IT’S A PERFECT 10.”
  6. Dogs banging a disqualifying gavel again and again as Ann Romney’s dressage horse Rafalca stands on two legs, strums a ukelele, and shuffles contentedly off into the sunset.
  7. Dogs positing that any sufficiently advanced machine is indistinguishable from the human body, and submitting for further sporting consideration a malfunctioning R2 unit blaring miniature pornography.
  8. Dogs panning over the bleached skeletons of the Chinese and South Korean women’s badminton teams as each tries unsuccessfully to throw the match, chanting, “Neither can live while the other survives.”
  9. Dogs leaning over to whisper in your ear, “Any sufficiently advanced Summer Olympics event is indistinguishable from ballroom dancing.”
  10. Dogs gathering close the sporting hopes of a degraded civilization, insisting, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.”

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