10 Best
25.11.2011, Words by Ruth Saxelby

Dogs doing lists #13: Frankfurt Schoolhouse Rock!

  1. Dogs gazing through essentially aspirational iron bars on the vaunted Plymouth Rock and marveling as the geological paucity withers under scrutiny, “This is the saddest story I have ever heard.”
  2. Dogs taking cover on the steps of the Capitol Building, screaming into a Vietnam Era tactical backpack radio, “I’M SITTING HERE ON CAPITOL HILL,” and gasping in resigned horror as a pair of F-100 Super Sabres come streaming over the horizon to release napalm payloads over the Dome, sighing, “I’m just a bill.”
  3. Dogs squinting out into the Atlantic Ocean, muttering, “Rockin’ and a-rollin’, splishin’ and a-splashin’, over the horizon, what can it be?” and peering through a spyglass to observe a cruise missile cresting over a wave and up into the stratosphere.
  4. Dogs scrubbing the surface of a spacetime viewer displaying George Washington Carver Crossing the Delaware as Sherman splashes into the frame in a bathtub boat and marvels optimistically to Mr. Peabody, “Nine-eleven changed everything!”
  5. Dogs applauding wildly as Max Planck boards a rickety homemade spacecraft and confidently boasts, “I know I’ll be a law someday,” before pausing to adjust several dials and add quietly, “At least I hope and pray that I will.”
  6. Dogs tuning a spacetime viewer to 1863 as a weak signal transmits a scrambled, slowly scrolling image of Abraham Lincoln slurring, “Our forefathers brought forth on this nation a new incontinence…” and banging on the side of the device until all images are replaced by stock news footage from Hell, and thinking, “Better.”
  7. Dogs placing a sacrificial turkey beneath Mount Rushmore and scurrying backward as the monumental heads of Henry Ford, J.P. Morgan, Jay Gould, and Steve Jobs glow at the eyeballs before firing concentrated laser light continuously until a pop up timer indicates the singed flesh is cooked.
  8. Dogs sneaking into the New York Stock Exchange after midnight and discovering a life-sized, animated Snoopy dancing for the benefit of a million howling anthropomorphic one-dollar bills, and observing, through the spray of champagne and the catcalls, a lone cartoon tear dripping from the hand-drawn beagle’s unblinking eye, and immediately stepping into a time machine to travel back to the very first Thanksgiving to demand, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??” before falling in a hail of arrows and gunfire, and blinking back a lone real-time tear as a Pilgrim and a Wampanoag Indian clasp one another’s hands and vow in unison over the bloody, broken body of the time-traveling interloper, “WE ARE UNITED BY OUR VIOLENCE.”
  9. Dogs parading through the 1776 adoption of the Declaration of Independence, exclaiming, “WE’RE FREE!” before the camera closes in past the powder-wigged crowd on a young Alan Greenspan as he piously recites, “…life, liberty, and the pursuit of mass expropriation on a scale large enough that even in this dreary outpost of civilization there may arise within the span of three or four generations a surplus large enough to sustain something passing for a national culture worthy of a thanks-giving citizenry, no matter what the current cost to life or liberty may be, world without end, amen.”
  10. Dogs placing a needle delicately on the surface of history and lip-synching with feigned enthusiasm as through a craning gramophone horn there rises an agonized cry from the crowd-trampled victims of Black Friday.

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