10 Best
16.09.2011, Words by Ruth Saxelby

Dogs doing lists #8: Nevermind, Whatever, Who Cares

  1. Dogs chasing Jack the Ripper through the East End fog, shouting, “Hey, wait!” before falling into an open sewer and whispering as the swirling darkness creeps in, “I’ve got a new complaint.”
  2. Dogs swearing over and over again, “No, I don’t have a gun,” and then seeing the future through a spacetime viewer and realizing, “OH.”
  3. Dogs riding a nuclear missile through downtown Seattle as the masses gather to chant in unison, “Here we are now, entertain us,” and observing a brief, distinct cheer as a flash flickers and disintegrates the populace.
  4. Dogs delivering Harvard’s 1992 commencement speech by strumming the opening chords to “Rape Me.”
  5. Dogs diving into the mouth of an anesthetized Courtney Love to discover a shrunken, bloodied Voldemort, and radioing back to the surgical team, “It’s something beyond either of our help.”
  6. Dogs gazing into the criss-crossed lifeless eyeballs of a reconstructed Kurt Cobain and muttering into a handheld voice-recorder, “Autopsy report for Burt Cocaine…”
  7. Dogs sliding down the muddy banks of the Wishkah and igniting the river upon coming into contact with the water.
  8. Dogs slipping a heroin-filled syringe into a vein and falling asleep for 20 years.
  9. Dogs bearing witness to the spontaneous dissolution of all existence and letting loose a giggle as Krist Novoselic pops into view to offer, “Tha-, tha-, tha-, that’s all folks!” followed by a final “HI AXL.”
  10. Dogs burping an infant Kurt Cobain and rocking him gently to sleep, murmuring, “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.”

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