10 Best
02.09.2011, Words by Ruth Saxelby

Dogs doing lists #7: Pulp, and Other Fictions

  1. Dogs tearfully explaining a looted Tesco to police: “I said, ‘Pretend you’ve got no money…’”
  2. Dogs standing naked in somebody else’s room and whispering thanks to the modern age for making this experience possible.
  3. Dogs declaring to a misshapen, mutated Marty McFly, “The future’s owned by you and me!” and gunning the DeLorean off of an unfinished bridge.
  4. Dogs glancing uneasily around the office of an unnamed MP and stammering, in hopes that an offer of cocaine will be forthcoming, “I-I’m a socialist.”
  5. Dogs cooking a little bit of razzamatazz in a spoon as a flatmate quietly overdoses in the corner under a pile of empty boxes.
  6. Dogs planning the week’s activities (smoke and play some pool; smoke and play some pool; smoke and play some pool) until Gregor Samsa bursts forth from their abdomen and, leaving a trail of gore behind him, climbs the wall and turns into a roach.
  7. Dogs patiently listening to the second side of ‘Til the Band Comes In and observing as the source of all knowing is revealed, “Now I see the funny side. Now I’m always smiling!”
  8. Dogs rewinding the answering machine tape on hearing, “Mother, I can never come home again, cos I seem to have left an important part of my brain somewhere,” and shedding a single tear before sighing to the camera, “This is the saddest story I have ever heard.”
  9. Dogs heralding the creation of the universe and pausing to ask, “Do you remember the first time?” as Being shakes its head sadly and gestures toward the Void.
  10. Dogs waking during a heart transplant to make an anesthetized pact with the surgeon, wheezing through gritted teeth and sprays of blood, “If we get through this alive, I’ll meet you next week, same place, same time.”

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